Masculinity

I've had something on my mind for quite a long time. I have had certain reservations about sharing for many reasons, but ultimately I felt like for my peace of mind I needed to write about it. 

I can't seem to stop thinking about the way masculinity is viewed in this society. The way men are expected to act or to be seen as manly. Men crying, liking fruity cocktails, liking musicals, wants to be on a dance team etc. are seen as girly. It is scoffed at and I can't tell you the amount of "man shaming" that occurs when someone talks about having a fruity drink or whatever it is. What also makes it worse is that gay men, like me, are given a "pass" or it is just seen as 'oh well he is gay so it's okay'. Which then beckons the question - am I less of a man because of these things?

I know a group of men that pride themselves on the fact that they will never watch The Greatest Showman. Like it makes them more of a man for not wanting to watch it. You should hear the way they talk about it. 

Up until just recently I didn't like musicals. I had completely convinced myself that they were boring, that they didn't have to sing the entire dialogue. I really believed I didn't like them even after coming out as gay. It wasn't until I watched The Greatest Showman and LOVED it that I realized what I had been doing subconsciously my entire life. I was looking for any type of an excuse for why I didn't like it. I couldn't like it because it wasn't manly. After falling in love with The Greatest Showman I decided I would start watching some classic musicals. For the very first time I watched Les Miserable, The Phantom of the Opera, I went to a play and watched Phantom at Hale Center Theater. I very much enjoyed watching them. And yet, how cliché of me, a gay man, to like musicals, right? 

I actually don't care if others joke around with me for being the cliché gay man. For liking fruity drinks or musicals. My concern is for other men that are around that might feel demasculinized by these comments because they too like these things.

I've seen videos where mothers are telling their sons to stop crying because boys don't cry. It was comforting the way others poured their sympathy for the boys in those videos, but the sad truth is it still happens way too often. 

The problem is that I see toxic masculinity all the time and all over the place. And to be completely honest I'm not innocent of this either. I recently caught myself telling a man to stop acting like a little girl, indicating he was anything but masculine. I caught myself the second I said it and I hated that I did say it. People might say "I'm only joking or I didn't mean it." But unfortunately these jokes really do impact how men see themselves. The way they subconsciously suppress their feelings or hide who they are because of it. My worry is that some might not realize that what they are saying diminishes ones sense of masculinity. 

My main reservation about posting this is I know people that will read this might be guilty of what I'm talking about. But I really am not posting this to call anyone out nor shame anyone. I do want to put a spotlight on the issue. I've admitted I have been just as guilty of this. So I want to hold myself accountable so I don't make comments like I made earlier. That way I don't contribute to the toxic masculinity that is so rampant all around us.

May Love Rule

Back in 2011 I decided to go back to school to finish my bachelors degree. I also deleted my Facebook account. I told people I deleted my account because I was working full time and going to school full time and that I didn’t have time for Facebook as well. Now, that definitely was partly true, but it wasn’t the only reason. During that same time I was also trying to cross the treacherous rapids of coming out as gay. I didn’t know how to be myself on social media so I decided I wanted to distance myself from it. I worried that if I were to be myself I would be viewed as a deviant, someone who has last their way, so I just deleted my account.

During this time of struggling to know how to come out to family and friends I was watching one of my favorite movies, X-men: First Class. Erik (Magneto) talking to Raven (Mystique): "You want society to accept you, but you can't even accept yourself." This hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so focused on if everyone else would accept me and not focused on accepting myself.

To this day I find myself resorting back to how I handled situations in the past. I worry about what someone else may think of me and so I try and fit the mold of whatever I think they want me to be. And that is rather exhausting to say the least. As they say old habits die hard. For a large majority of my life I lost myself hiding beneath my mask and it is still an ongoing process to make sure I don't grab that mask and put it back on.

So why do I still worry so much about what others think of me? Why do I feel the need to resort back to my old habits of trying to please every one else around me instead of just being me? I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to hide. I hope people can see me for me and not for my sexuality. It is my goal to halt that behavior and to move forward without worrying about what others might think of me.

Shortly after distancing myself from Facebook I started this blog as a way to take off my mask and show people who I really am. It was also a way for me to tell my story and for me to try and be true to myself. For anyway who hasn't read my coming out post and is interested here it is:

http://takingoff-mymask.blogspot.com/2012/01/coming-out.html

I believe this blog really has helped me with removing my mask and it has been a road to self discovery. It has been a way for me to put down in words things I wouldn't know how to say any other way. I know I don't post frequently on my blog, but when I do I find it to be very beneficial to my progress of removing my mask and being me.

As I think back over the past 5-6 years and I am amazed at the amount of love and support I have been given from everyone that I know. From family to friends, from my coworkers to people that I haven't seen in ages. You all have no idea the kind impact that you have all made in my life. When I think about all the love and support I have received it is overwhelming. For that and for so many other things I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

May love rule! 

Normal

Today started off like any other normal day, well like any other normal Sunday. I woke up, relaxed a little, cleaned, did laundry and a friend came over for a little chat.

I also made plans that night with my friend, Karinna, to go and see The Hunger Games: The Mockingjay, Part 2. Since it was opening weekend we thought it would be a good idea to get there early to buy the tickets. Once we bought the tickets we decided to go to a pub that was right by the theater to wait until the movie started.

We both enjoyed a drink and the extra time we had to catch up with each other. We then went and watched the movie which we both thoroughly enjoyed. It had been quite a fun night, but for some reason I had started to have these feelings of I wish I was "normal". Because if I was "normal" then I would be able to get married to a beautiful woman. I would be able to have my own children and I would be able to be looked at by others as "normal"

As I sit here writing this post I ponder on what normal is. What does normal look like?  What is normal and why do so many people, including myself, want to be "normal"? Last night I was watching a movie with some friends. We watched The Imitation Game, a movie that I had seen a few times before. It is a great movie. There is a scene in that movie that I wanted to share. Here is a short 2 min clip of it. Spoiler alert if you haven't already seen this movie. (Sorry about the subtitles, it is the only clip I could find)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ev1fhavHFOE

My desire to be "normal" is a feeling that doesn't seem to go away very easily. But this clip is an inspiring clip to me. As much as I can sometimes desire to be "normal" I realize that my differences make me who I am. I realize that living a very different life than most doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Being "normal" (whatever normal might be) doesn't mean that you will be happy. Happiness is a state of mind. With that said, and with Thanksgiving around the corner, I would just like to say that I am incredibly grateful for my family and friends and for the unconditional love I feel from you all. You all have made my journey in life that much easier and better.

Posts like these aren't the easiest for me to write because I can sometimes have a hard time opening up like this. In spite of that, I know this is helpful for me to put my feelings down in writing.

Here is to everyone being themselves, and to not worry so much about being NORMAL!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

This I Believe

I read a book called "This I Believe". The book is exactly what the title indicates. It has people's essays on what they believe. Lots of the essays include very prominent people and the beliefs that guide their lives. As I read this book I always told myself that I wanted to write one. So I thought I would attempt to write my own essay on what I believe.

Being born and raised in the LDS church my beliefs were always very clear. I went on a mission to even proclaim what I believed. After getting home from my mission and being home for a fews years I was eventually able to comes to terms with my sexuality. And in doing so my whole belief system ended up changing. For a few years I really struggled to know what to believe. Where do I go from here? What is the purpose of life? Did I still believe in God? Is there an afterlife?

I decided I wasn't going to get caught up in trying to figure everything out. No one has all the answers. We all live based on faith, hope or on the limited information that we are all given. So what do I believe in now?  I believe that life is hard. That life can be a struggle for myself and so many others around me. As such, I believe that I should do my very best to make the lives of others a littler easier. I believe that little acts of kindness can brighten someone's day. Being helpful, opening a door for someone, lending a helping hand or just being willing to listen to someone when they are having a bad day. I believe that even though some of these things might seem small and insignificant that we have no idea how it might help someone who is struggling. I believe that by helping others that you forget about your own troubles and it also helps keep life in perspective.

I also believe that life is supposed to be an adventure. People mention all the time to live life to the fullest. Well, what does that really mean? What is living life to fullest entail? I believe that living life to the fullest will be different for everyone. Living life to the fullest is finding what brings you joy and pursuing that. I have a passion for traveling and seeing new places and cultures and by traveling and pursuing this joy that I'm living life to the fullest. When I think of living life to the fullest I think of this quote by Hunter S. Thompson: "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow! What a Ride!'"

Lastly, I believe in trying to live life focusing on things that I can control and letting go of everything else. There is no point in getting worked up over things that we have no control over. I think the Serenity Prayer says it best: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." For me this is a daily attempt. I feel like with awareness and practice that I will be able to get better and better at this. This I believe...

A Different Side

I was recently talking with my brother-in-law, Rhett, and he asked me a question. I can't remember exactly how he worded it but it went something like this:  "With so many homosexuals that really struggle and many that commit suicide how is it that you seem to handle it all so well?" To be completely honest, I don't think I completely remember how I answered his question. I do remember saying stuff like I have really struggled, but I have been doing better more recently. We then continued talking about lots of other topics as well.

After having a great discussion with Rhett I really started to contemplate his question. His question played over and over in my head.  The more I thought about it I realized how much I hide this side of me. I have a hard time expressing or showing people when I am struggling.

About 9 to 10 months ago, during a time when I was going to school and working full time, I was feeling emotionally drained and really have a hard time. One night after feeling completely exhausted I wrote this:

"I'm tired...

I'm tired of all the sleepless nights.
Tired of all the endless crazy thoughts.
Tired of worrying and wondering why me.
Tired of worrying about what others may think of me.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to please everyone.
I'm tired of having feelings for other people that I know will never feel the same way.
I'm tired of waking up in a big bed with no one else in it.
Tired of thinking that I will never know how to make a relationship last.
I'm tired of feeling inadequate and that I will never measure up.

I'm tired..."

I have had my reservations about sharing this on my blog. Part of the struggle of sharing this part of me is I have a hard time feeling vulnerable. I would imagine it is hard for a lot of people to let others know when you are struggling or going through a hard time. I think that is why so many people do struggle. That is why so many have taken their own lives. They didn't know how to deal with the struggles that came their way and they didn't know how to get the help that they needed.

This isn't a cry for help. This is just another attempt to take off my mask and show people a different side of me. To show people that, although I am happy the majority of the time, that I do still struggle. That I do, like almost everyone, have my down days and days that I wonder what the purpose of life is. Through these hard times I am able to see the sunlight. Realizing life really is a gift and to enjoy what life has given me, even if it wasn't what I had always imagined it would be.

I have a great family and many great friends that are there for me when I need them and I am so incredibly grateful for that.  In a previous post I mentioned that being loving and accepting of others really is what makes the difference.  

Long talks with the family is one of my favorite things. We can get into deep conversations and talk all night long. I believe this last talk with Rhett has helped me to continue on my journey in taking off my mask and to be able to show others... ME!

Prayers for Bobby

I recently was over at my parent's house and noticed a book that was on the bookshelf. It was titled: Prayers for Bobby.  As I picked it up and started looking at the book I knew that I wanted to read it.  This book is an incredibly sad story about a boy back in the 1980's and his struggles that he went through with his homosexuality.  This is a true story about a boy who was raised in a very strict religious family in California.  He struggled with what his family and religion told him about the attractions he was having.  His family believed that if he believed in Christ hard enough or prayed hard enough that God would "cure" him and he would be fine.  Bobby tried so hard to be "cured" of his homosexuality.  He would read the bible and pray to god for his help.  After struggling for many years with his sexuality he ended up committing suicide.

This is one of the saddest books I have read and that may partly be due to the fact that I understood a lot of what he was going through.  As I read the book I felt like I was reliving a lot of my own past experiences that I had gone through.

..."He longed to be liberated from the tyranny of external approval."  When I read this line in the book it really struck a chord within me.  I felt like I could completely relate to that, as I am sure many of you can for different reasons.  Another line that really stuck with me was, "It's an awful feeling to believe that one is headed straight to the fires of hell."  When I was finally coming to terms with my sexuality I really struggled a lot with this.  I knew what I had been taught my whole life.  I knew how religion and society viewed homosexuality.  It is such an awful feeling to have to believe that you could be dammed for the feelings that you are having.

From this book I have realized that love really isn't enough.  What I mean by that is when someone is struggling with their sexuality just the feeling of being loved is NOT the only thing that matters.  It is definitely a major aspect, but there has also got to be that acceptance.  The feeling of being accepted for who the person is no matter their sexuality and not feeling like you are still viewed as a sinner or a sexual deviant or someone with problems.  I have never liked the phrase: "Love the sinner not the sin". Saying that someone is a sinner, but that you will love them and not the sin is very judgmental and unnecessary to bring up.  I also don't like the phrase because it still makes people believe that there is something wrong with being gay.  Being gay isn't an illness, it isn't something that can be cured, it isn't a choice, believe me if it were I would have chosen to be "normal" and live a heterosexual lifestyle.

As I read this book I wanted so badly to be able to go back in time and help this boy that was struggling so much with his sexuality.  He struggled with it so much that he ended up taking his own life.  He wrote in his journal once saying "I must deserve everything that happens to me.  The funny thing is that I didn't realize until now how bad a person I must really be." Many gay and lesbian kids and adults have ended their life because they didn't know how to handle the struggles of being gay in a religion and society that doesn't accept who they are.  In another one of Bobby's journal entries he says: "I want to be ordinary, not some freak."  Many gays are made to believe that they are freaks and would give anything to be "normal".  I know I still struggle with the thought that there is something wrong with me, that I must be messed up if I want to be with another man.

A key point that I wanted to bring up, again, is that the feeling of being accepted is so important.  Feeling that you aren't a horrible sinner and to be told that you are perfectly fine just the way you are is all someone might need to hear to help them through their struggles.  Bobby's mother realized after his death that all Bobby needed was to be told that he was perfect just the way he was.  Showing someone they are loved AND accepted for who they are could save a life.  A life of someone who is very dear to you...

Take A Stand

About a month ago, a really close friend of mine, Kelsey, told me to watch a certain video on YouTube.  She told me it was a very good video clip and that I should watch it.  Please watch this video clip, it isn't that long and is really worth watching.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR9gyloyOjM

I just finished watching this clip again and it is incredibly moving.  Since I don't have Facebook to post this link I decided I would dedicate one of my blog posts to this video clip.

Before I watched this clip I didn't really have a stance on gay marriage.  I used to think that even if I met a guy that I wanted to be with that I don't know if I necessarily care to get married so I didn't really feel very strongly about gay marriage.  This video has made me aware that I need to take a stand.  It doesn't mean that I feel like I will get married if I meet a man I want to be with, but it does mean that I will take a stand for what I believe is right.  It doesn't matter the sexual orientation that people have everyone deserves the same equal rights.  I have heard all the arguments for why gays shouldn't be able to marry, but I'm sorry I haven't heard one that holds any water.  It isn't about religion, it isn't about what the definition of marriage "should" be, but it's about all men being equal and deserves the same rights  

Today I went to dinner with Kelsey and we were discussing gay marriage.  We talked about how we believe  that years from now gay marriage will be legal and people will look back and wonder why gay marriage was ever illegal.  I believe the same thing happened with women.  Years and years ago, women couldn't vote, they didn't have the same rights as men and they were viewed as property.  Nowadays, it's crazy to think about how they were treated and how they weren't given the same rights.  

Black people weren't viewed as human beings but also as property.  They didn't have any rights and now we look back and think how crazy it was to view people that way.  I fully believe the same thing will happen with gay marriage.  People look will back and think how crazy it is that gay marriage wasn't legal and how they didn't have the same rights as everyone else.  

Rather you are gay or straight or whatever your sexual orientation may be we all deserve to be treated equally, to have the same rights as everyone else.  I wanted everyone to see this video so that everyone could be made aware of how sad, discriminatory, and unequal gay couples have it.  It is time that we took a stand so that everyone has equal rights.  If you believe that gays should be able to marry I would hope that you would post the YouTube video on your Facebook or tell others about the video.  

Gay Pride

Recently I have been struggling with my sexuality.  I have been talking to my Aunt about it and I told her that I feel like I wish I wasn't gay because life would be easier.  I also told her that I still have issues with my sexuality because I feel like me being gay is maybe a result of me being "messed up".  She has been great about talking with me about it, but I was still struggling with it.

I am finishing up my degree at UVU and I am studying psychology.  I have spent hours upon hours researching homosexuality and the reasons why people are gay.  After countless hours of research the only conclusion that I have come up with is that it is most likely a combination of genes and the environment that may lead to homosexuality.  So I was feeling like the reason why I was a homosexual was partly due to my environment, which led me to think I was "messed up".  Don't get me wrong nothing super traumatic happened to me, I was never abused or raped or anything of the sort, but I still pondered what made me this way.  I think I still carry the same beliefs about homosexuality that I had back before I came to terms with my sexuality.

Today, in one of my college classes we ended up watching the move Philadelphia.  This movie just really moved me.  I am not sure who all has seen it, but it is a very inspirational movie that I would recommend watching.  It is about a lawyer, the character is Andrew Beckett (Tom Hanks), who is employed at one of top law firms in Philadelphia.  He was made senior associate only weeks before he was fired.  Andrew brings a lawsuit for wrongful termination for being fired because the law firm found out that he was gay and had AIDS.  

It is a very good movie and it is very interesting to see how people thought about gays and AIDS.  At one point someone went to the doctor to make sure he didn't get AIDS from shaking Andrew's hand.  I was inspired as I watched how Andrew reacted to the people around him.  I think I felt goose bumps for the majority of the movie.  It made me realize that there really isn't anything I have to be ashamed of in regards to me being gay.  Regardless of the reasons why I have these attractions to men there is nothing wrong with me.  And although I'm sure this movie wouldn't move the majority of you like it did me it was something that I really needed to see.  I do feel very lucky because just as Andrew in the movie had such an unbelievable family who supported him through everything I feel like I have been just as blessed.  I have such an amazing family and I couldn't be more grateful for them.  

I watched a movie called Brokeback Mountain back before I ever came out of the closet.  It was a very sad love story that takes places back in the 70's and 80's about two men that were in love with each other, but weren't able to be together because of their own fears and because of how they would be treated.  So once a year they would both go camping so that they could be with each other.  It ends with one of the men being killed for being gay.  So although I thought it was a very good movie, it kind of made me nervous to come out because of the result of it.

I do realize that of any time in our history this is the best time to live in to be gay.  There is a lot more tolerance and understand for people that are gay.  Countries are starting to legalize gay marriage and things are really starting to come around.  I think the reason why I have struggled so much to come to terms with my sexuality is because I spent the majority of my life trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay.  That being gay is wrong, that it is a choice/temptation that you just have to get over.  Well I'm sorry to say that it’s just not true.  There is nothing wrong with me or with my sexuality. GAY PRIDE!!

10 Year Reunion

So I attended my ten year reunion last month.  One of my great friends Rebecca put together a committee and planned the whole thing.  The reunion was a hit and she did an amazing job at putting it all together.  I arrived at The Gathering Place in Gardner Village with one of my high school buddies.  We signed in and then went and found some other friends to sit with.  I enjoyed seeing and catching up with friends that I haven't seen in ten years.  The reunion was so great and if it wasn't for Rebecca we probably wouldn't have had it.  So a shout out to her on making the whole thing happen and for it being such a great success.

I can't believe that it has been ten years since I graduated from high school.  I remember being 18 years old and thinking in ten years I would be graduated from college, married and having kids.  I would be an active LDS family guy, pretty much the life I see a lot of my high school buddies having.  So to fast forward ten years and see that my life is way different than I ever thought it would be is just so crazy.  I'm not married, I have no kids and I am just barely finishing up my degree.  I am no longer active LDS and don't belong to any organized religion.  So although life hasn't turned out at all the way I thought it would, I can say that I wouldn't have it any other way.

At the ten year reunion I won the Christopher Columbus award for being the most traveled.  I have been to nine different countries and have loved every moment of it.  I love to travel and I love that I have the time and money to do so.  I am in a job that could very well turn into my career.  I love my job, my boss and my co-workers.  I am incredibly close with my co-workers and feel like they are like my second family.

After coming to the conclusion that I didn't feel like the LDS religion was for me I felt like I started from scratch.  I would try and see what I really believed.  It was kind of an overwhelming ordeal to undertake. I would look into a lot of different religions and see what they believed/taught.  About a year ago I really started looking into Buddhism and what they believed.  I thought it was a very interesting religion and so I decided to take a Buddhism class.  As I learned more and more about the religion I realized that it wasn't for me.  I really love a lot of their philosophies and still try to live by a lot of them, but that was about it.  Over the past five to six years my beliefs have changed quite a bit and I assume they will continue to change and alter as I learn and grow older.   I love getting in long discussions with people about what they believe and why.  I like doing this with people of all different belief systems.  

The past ten years have definitely had its ups and downs, but through everything I am grateful for it all.  I know the hard times have only made me stronger, made me who I am today.  Thanks for everyone who has been apart of my life.  Each one of you has made a bigger impact on my life than you probably realize.  I'm not sure where the next ten years will lead me, but I am ready for the roller coaster ride of life.  Bring on the next ten years!

So, as I end this post I want some feedback on what you guys would like me to write on next.  If anyone has any questions they would like me to address or if they want to me share something then let me know.  I'm pretty open about anything so don't be afraid to ask me.  My next post will be dedicated to what you have asked me to write about. 

Great Expectations

So about a month or two ago I went out to lunch with an amazing friend, Rebecca.  Our lunch was like many others we have had in the past. Great discussions, lots of laughing, and an incredibly good time.  During this occasion we had a discussion that has changed the way I look at things.

To briefly summarize what was talked about, Rebecca has been working on fixing problems with her estranged family.  She felt like she was justified in wanting an apology from her family for the way that they treated her, the way they have treated her for many years. Things weren't going to well and her husband told her that her expectations of what her family needed to do to rectify things were unrealistic.  Rebecca told me that she realized he was right.   (There is a lot more to this situation than what I have written about).  I haven't been updated on how her and her family are doing since we last talked, but at that time it sounded like things were getting better with her family.

After our great lunch I went home and I started to think about what we talked about.  As I started thinking about it more and more I felt like I had an epiphany.  I realized that any relationship that I had that wasn't up to par with what I wanted it to be was because of my own expectations of what I felt like it should be.  My relationship with my father was affected because of the expectation I had of what I believed he should be/do.  I started to realize that my expectations affected most of my relationships in some way, good or bad.

I continued to think about expectations and I also realized that I have let my expectations also affect my emotions.  When I think about times when I get frustrated or upset I realize it is because someone or something isn't living up to my own expectations.  I would get frustrated when my co-worker wasn't pulling her weight.  I would get upset because people wouldn't text me back, I mean it is only courteous to respond when being asked something, right?

Now when I start to feel upset, frustrated, or mad I try to step back and ask myself why am I feeling this way? More often than not it is because of my own expectations that I have about the situation.  I then ask myself "what benefit is it for me to hold onto this expectation?"  I am then able to release the expectation that I have.  This has been such an amazing realization that has really helped me from getting upset/frustrated or sad and helped me out with my relationships.  Rebecca, you are an amazing person and friend.  We have known each other for close to 20 years now, and I couldn't be more grateful that we are still great friends.

China

Sorry for the long delay in posting on my blog.  After my China Trip I have been so incredibly busy with work and school that I just haven't gotten around to it.

Since I don't have Facebook anymore and I wanted to share some of my pictures of San Francisco and China I figured I would post it on here.

Riding bikes across the golden gate bridge

San Fran Cable Cars

Great Wall of China

Eating at a restaurant... this was an interesting meal.

Wow.... now this is what I call a mobile home.

An amazing acrobatic show

Entrance to the Forbidden City

A meal at a native's house, it was really good

Chinese Temple

Another interesting meal in China

Obstacle

So I recently got back from Beijing, China. It was quite an amazing trip, and such an amazing country. I had such a great time there and I am so happy I went. I went on this trip with my family, one of which was an aunt, who recently found out about my sexuality. Now I’m not sure why I feel like this, but every time I saw her I just felt awkward. I just felt her disapproval of my lifestyle. I do realize that this is actually something that is my problem. Even if my aunt does have a problem with who I am that shouldn’t bother me. She also never actually said anything to me about her disapproving I just know she has a very harsh view on homosexuality.

This is just an obstacle that I am trying to overcome. My whole life I have worried about what others think of me. I have tried to conform to what I think others would want me to be. Back when I was still an active LDS member I would try to make sure that other members thought I was a good LDS member and when I was around non LDS people I would try to make them feel that I wasn't really a believer. How pathetic is that? I read a quote recently, “fitting in is highly overrated.” This is what I try to think of now when I find myself trying to conform to others. It is a work in progress, but I’ll get there.

For a long time I have felt like I am looking for a needle in a haystack. I am a gay male living in Utah, how am I supposed to ever find another man to be with? I then learned that Utah has one of the highest amounts of gay people per capita. I have mentioned how I fear that I will be alone my whole life, but since I have realized that finding someone is still a very real possibility. How can I expect to find anyone if I am not really putting myself out there to meet anyone? So I’m also trying to work on going out of my comfort zone more to meet more men. One of my really good friends, Kelsey, and I are planning on going to Gay Pride in a couple months. I am excited to go and get out of my shell a little bit.

Gratitude Part II

I just wanted to continue one last post about the people I am grateful for.

I wanted to thank my Aunt Linda. You were so instrumental in helping through such a hard time in my life. I am grateful for you and for all of your help to get me where I am today. It took me baby steps to come out to you and it then took me quite a long time to tell anyone else, but just having your love and acceptance is what kept me going. It kept me going until I was able to tell others. I love you and your individuality.

My brother Bryan, I am so grateful for you. You have been a great person for me to be able to lean on. You are so great about being open and discussing these things with me. If I feel like homosexuality topic is uneasy for the person then I don’t like talking to them about it, but I love that you are totally fine with it. You are a great brother and I love how our relationship has grown.

I am grateful for my mother. She has really struggled with coming to terms with having a gay son. And, although I don’t fully understand why she struggles with it, I know that she still loves me no matter what. She is starting to come around and has been more open to talking with me about it. Asking me questions and discussing it. I sometimes feel a little awkward talking to her about it though because in the back of my head I’m thinking that she has a hard time with my sexuality. I do have to give her credit though for wanting to have a close relationship and really working at it. I love my mother and am grateful for her.

Where do I even begin with you Lisa? I am so grateful for you. You don’t even know how much you have helped me out through my life. Like I mentioned before, when I was growing up were my idol. I looked up to you so much and still do. You never cease to impress me with how caring you are. I don’t really know how to express my next thought very well (and I hope it isn’t taken wrong by others), but I am also grateful that you left the LDS church… I honestly don’t mean it in a I’m glad you don’t believe, but I am grateful for that because I really feel that it helped me be able to come to terms with my sexuality, that I was able to be myself around you and you would still accept me. It has been a long road that I have been on, but if it wasn’t for you, I don’t feel like I would be where I am at today. I will be forever grateful for you and I love you SO much!

Growing up my younger sister, Julie and I, had such a love hate relationship. We loved each other in a your my sibling so I have to love you kind of way, but we fought all the time. We are only 15 months apart and we used to drive each other crazy. When we both hit high school, though, her girl friends and my guy friends started to hang out together. This is when our close relationship started to grow, and it has continued to grow ever since. Julie, you are such an amazing person and I am so grateful for you. To be honest, I was kind of nervous when I came out to you and Gary. I knew how strongly you both still believe in the LDS church and I was worried it would affect our great relationship. Once I did tell you though I couldn’t believe the great response I got from you. I love how open we are with each other and how I can tell you everything and I never ever feel like I will be judged by you. In my eyes, you fully comprehend what religion is all about. I am so grateful for you and for our relationship that we share. I love you more than you know!

I have an amazing family and I grateful for each one of them. I have some amazing cousins that were such a great support as well. Juliana and Ana you both have been so amazing and I love you both so much. I am so grateful for both of you and for our relationship.

Gratitude

Before I continue in my pursuit in taking off my mask I wanted to write about all the people that I am grateful for. I just feel like I should personally thank everyone how has made such an impact in my life.

I wanted to thank all my friends for their love and support. Coming out to you all went so much more smoothly than I could have ever imagined. Thanks to Rebecca, Nichole, Kirstie, Jerilyn, Cindi, and so many others for being so great. I LOVE you all for being there. You guys are such amazing friends.

Colleen and Kim, you two have been an amazing support for me at work. You guys are like my second family. I see you both more than I do see my family. I love seeing you 5 days a week and I am so grateful for your support. Thanks SO much!

For me, coming out to my guy friends was always the hardest for me. I was always worried that they would be scared when they found out. I knew lots of men that would make homophobic jokes and make mean comments. I had a roommate that once said, “all gays should be shot.” Comments like this always made me nervous to come out to other males in fear that they might react the same way one of my old roommates reacted. Gratefully, my guy friends have all been pretty amazing. Jason, you were one of the first guys that I told. I am so grateful for you and thanks for being there for me. You’re amazing. Brett, Jordan and Alex, you were also so great. I love that absolutely nothing changed between us when I came out. Thank you for being such amazing friends to me!

Special thanks go out to Kelsey and Jessie! You two have been such an amazing rock for me to rely on. Jessie, whenever I have a bad day you are there to pick me up. I look up to you so much and am incredibly grateful for our friendship! You will forever be my Grace! J Kelsey, you were also such an amazing support for me. When I found out that you were gay as well it was amazing to have someone that knew what it was like to grow up in such a strict religion. I am SO grateful to have another gay friend. I could always turn to you and know that you would be able to understand what I was going through. I can't wait for gay pride!

Thank you all so much. I am so grateful for each and every one of you for all of your love and support. Your friendships mean so much more to me than you guys will know. I am so blessed with such amazing people in my life. I love you all so much.

To be continued….

The Fear

As I look back at the road that I have taken, and the fact that I have lived with so much fear that it seems like it was such wasted energy. I feel so much better now that I have come out. What was I so afraid of??

I guess I was afraid of a handful of things. I was afraid of what my sexual orientation would mean to me. I dreamed my whole life of growing up and getting married and having a family. I feared that it would never happen for me if I was gay. I feared what others would think of me. I feared what my family would do. One of my really good friends has a brother who is gay. When he came out to his parents he was told that, "I would rather have a drug addicted son than a gay son." Then they kicked him out of the house. After hearing about how this happened to someone I knew just made me fear what my family would do.

I am currently taking a Psychology of Gender class this semester and we watched this very interesting video. Here it is. I want you to watch it... or at least the first 5 mins of it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17u01_sWjRE

Wow... isn't this video crazy? Can you believe that this is how they viewed homosexuality back then? It was treated as a sickness by psychologists until the mid to late 70's. The only reason why I wanted to have you watch this video was because I had a fear that others would see me the way the video showed. I remember when I was coming out to Lisa, my oldest sister who has three kids, that I feared she wouldn't trust me around her kids.

I have been very lucky though. With the exception of just a very few friends, I have been shown great love and acceptance. Everyone I know has been so fantastic about it all. So the fear that I had about coming out is pretty much gone. I do still tend to fear that I will be alone the rest of my life, but that is something that I am working on.

My Aunt Linda started this great blog that you should check out. It is very well written and I think it is great. Here is the link http://talkless-feelmore.blogspot.com/

I have such a great support system and I am so grateful for that. I realize that coming out to my family or friends could have been a lot worse. That I could have lost a lot more friends or have my family disown me, but that isn't what happened. I am very grateful to you all for all your love! You guys mean the world to me.

Coming Out

I figured that the first blog about me taking off my mask would be about the long road I have been on to try to come to terms with my own sexuality; the fact that I am gay.

My hero growing up wasn’t my father; it wasn’t my two older brothers. My hero growing up was my oldest sister, Lisa. She is 9 years older than me and I wanted to be just like her. She is the one that taught me how to ride a bike. She is the one that would teach me to dance and to teach me the little gymnastics she knew herself. I loved my oldest sister and she was my idol.

When I was a young child I remember feeling like I was able to be myself, which was such an amazing feeling to have. As I started to get a little older I started to get made fun for the way that I acted, for the games that I played, and for the fact that I really liked fashion. I hid the fact that I would listen to the Backstreet Boys and Brittany Spears because that wasn’t “manly.” So in order to fit in with other boys my age I felt like I had to put on a mask. I tried my hardest to just fit in and that way no one would see who I really was. I soon realized that it was just easier to be around girls. I felt like I was able to be more of myself around girls.

At the age of about 15 or 16 I started having these feelings that I didn’t really understand. So I just ignored them. As I grew older I started to realize what I was feeling, but I had been taught my whole life the condemnation that comes with having same sex attraction. Not only was it against everything I was taught, but I knew how the society as a whole thought about it. So I would deny the feelings that I was having. I convinced myself that I was straight. That I liked girls and that was that.

After returning home from my mission I found out that my oldest sister, my hero growing up, had left the church. She read a book disclaiming the history of the church and her and her husband stopped believing in the church. I had a very hard time with this. I really struggled with the fact that my idol wasn’t in the church any longer. I remember hearing that my sister would not make it to heaven, because she went on a mission and was married in the temple and now she has left the church. I refused to believe this, because she is one of the most Christ-like people I know. So for over the course of a couple years I pondered what I really believed. This was something that took years of wondering and praying and crying to realize I didn’t believe everything the church taught.

At the age of about 24 I realized that I had to stop fighting the feelings that I was having. I was attracted to guys, but I still wasn’t able to admit it out loud or even to other people for the fear of what they might think of me. I was afraid that my family and friends wouldn't understand that they would stop loving me. One day in November I felt like I had to tell someone else about me. It was eating me up so much inside that I just felt like I needed to tell at least one person. I decided I would e-mail my Aunt Linda. I remember writing the e-mail with this panic that she would be horrified once she found out about me. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t stop myself from crying while I wrote her this e-mail about my same sex attraction. Her response was one of such love and acceptance that I was relieved, I finally had someone that knew and that still loved me anyway. It has taken me over the course of 3 years to come out slowly to my family and friends and it is still an ongoing process. I still fear the worst when I tell someone new about my sexual orientation.

When I started coming out I would mainly tell others that I was bisexual. I have tried to convince myself my whole life that I am still attracted to females. Even after I knew I liked men I CONVINCED myself that if I found a hot enough girl that I would still be sexually attracted to her and I honestly believed it too. I wanted to believe it so much because then I felt like I wouldn’t be so “messed up.” All I ever hear is that being gay isn’t natural, and maybe it isn’t natural, but that is why I tried to fight my urges so much.

This has been a long road and LOTS of tears have been shed over trying to come to terms with WHO I AM! People can say that being gay is a choice, but unless they have struggled with it for years and years I wouldn’t expect any of them to understand or really know the reasons behind why people are gay.

Bottom line is that my sexuality doesn’t define who I am. I am still the same Kevin I have always been, regardless of who I chose to be with. I am finally coming to grips with this fact…

Taking off my Mask

I was watching Criminal Minds the other day when I heard a quote that I felt completely applied to me. "We all wear masks and the time comes when you can't remove them without removing our own skin." Since the time I was a kid I felt like I have been wearing a mask. I felt like there was something wrong with who I was, and so I put on this mask to try and fit in with others. As I try to take the mask off now, I feel like I am taking off my own skin with it. I feel like I don't know who I really am anymore.

I have always done things the way I felt like others would want me to do it. I would walk on egg shells when talking to others to make sure that I would be liked by everyone. I feared that if I was going to be myself that no one would understand or love me. This blog is my way to express who I really am in an attempt to feel like I can take off my mask and be ME! It will be a road to self discovery.

I contemplated telling the readers to not judge me too harshly for the things that I will be writing about, but then I realized that this isn't about you. This is about me and judge me all you want, I will finally continue to be me regardless. Ironically I am currently listening to Toby Keith as I write this blog. This song is singing about exactly the point I want to get across. The song is titled "Love Me If You Can" the chorus goes like this: I'm a man of my convictions. Call me wrong, call me right. But I bring my better angels to every fight. You may not like where I'm going, but you sure know where I stand. Hate me if you want to, love me if you can!

Please stay tuned for the next piece as I continue in the attempt to take off my mask...