I was recently talking with my brother-in-law, Rhett, and he asked me a question. I can't remember exactly how he worded it but it went something like this: "With so many homosexuals that really struggle and many that commit suicide how is it that you seem to handle it all so well?" To be completely honest, I don't think I completely remember how I answered his question. I do remember saying stuff like I have really struggled, but I have been doing better more recently. We then continued talking about lots of other topics as well.
After having a great discussion with Rhett I really started to contemplate his question. His question played over and over in my head. The more I thought about it I realized how much I hide this side of me. I have a hard time expressing or showing people when I am struggling.
About 9 to 10 months ago, during a time when I was going to school and working full time, I was feeling emotionally drained and really have a hard time. One night after feeling completely exhausted I wrote this:
"I'm tired...
I'm tired of all the sleepless nights.
Tired of all the endless crazy thoughts.
Tired of worrying and wondering why me.
Tired of worrying about what others may think of me.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to please everyone.
I'm tired of having feelings for other people that I know will never feel the same way.
I'm tired of waking up in a big bed with no one else in it.
Tired of thinking that I will never know how to make a relationship last.
I'm tired of feeling inadequate and that I will never measure up.
I'm tired..."
I have had my reservations about sharing this on my blog. Part of the struggle of sharing this part of me is I have a hard time feeling vulnerable. I would imagine it is hard for a lot of people to let others know when you are struggling or going through a hard time. I think that is why so many people do struggle. That is why so many have taken their own lives. They didn't know how to deal with the struggles that came their way and they didn't know how to get the help that they needed.
This isn't a cry for help. This is just another attempt to take off my mask and show people a different side of me. To show people that, although I am happy the majority of the time, that I do still struggle. That I do, like almost everyone, have my down days and days that I wonder what the purpose of life is. Through these hard times I am able to see the sunlight. Realizing life really is a gift and to enjoy what life has given me, even if it wasn't what I had always imagined it would be.
I have a great family and many great friends that are there for me when I need them and I am so incredibly grateful for that. In a previous post I mentioned that being loving and accepting of others really is what makes the difference.
Long talks with the family is one of my favorite things. We can get into deep conversations and talk all night long. I believe this last talk with Rhett has helped me to continue on my journey in taking off my mask and to be able to show others... ME!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Prayers for Bobby
I recently was over at my parent's house and noticed a book that was on the bookshelf. It was titled: Prayers for Bobby. As I picked it up and started looking at the book I knew that I wanted to read it. This book is an incredibly sad story about a boy back in the 1980's and his struggles that he went through with his homosexuality. This is a true story about a boy who was raised in a very strict religious family in California. He struggled with what his family and religion told him about the attractions he was having. His family believed that if he believed in Christ hard enough or prayed hard enough that God would "cure" him and he would be fine. Bobby tried so hard to be "cured" of his homosexuality. He would read the bible and pray to god for his help. After struggling for many years with his sexuality he ended up committing suicide.
This is one of the saddest books I have read and that may partly be due to the fact that I understood a lot of what he was going through. As I read the book I felt like I was reliving a lot of my own past experiences that I had gone through.
..."He longed to be liberated from the tyranny of external approval." When I read this line in the book it really struck a chord within me. I felt like I could completely relate to that, as I am sure many of you can for different reasons. Another line that really stuck with me was, "It's an awful feeling to believe that one is headed straight to the fires of hell." When I was finally coming to terms with my sexuality I really struggled a lot with this. I knew what I had been taught my whole life. I knew how religion and society viewed homosexuality. It is such an awful feeling to have to believe that you could be dammed for the feelings that you are having.
From this book I have realized that love really isn't enough. What I mean by that is when someone is struggling with their sexuality just the feeling of being loved is NOT the only thing that matters. It is definitely a major aspect, but there has also got to be that acceptance. The feeling of being accepted for who the person is no matter their sexuality and not feeling like you are still viewed as a sinner or a sexual deviant or someone with problems. I have never liked the phrase: "Love the sinner not the sin". Saying that someone is a sinner, but that you will love them and not the sin is very judgmental and unnecessary to bring up. I also don't like the phrase because it still makes people believe that there is something wrong with being gay. Being gay isn't an illness, it isn't something that can be cured, it isn't a choice, believe me if it were I would have chosen to be "normal" and live a heterosexual lifestyle.
As I read this book I wanted so badly to be able to go back in time and help this boy that was struggling so much with his sexuality. He struggled with it so much that he ended up taking his own life. He wrote in his journal once saying "I must deserve everything that happens to me. The funny thing is that I didn't realize until now how bad a person I must really be." Many gay and lesbian kids and adults have ended their life because they didn't know how to handle the struggles of being gay in a religion and society that doesn't accept who they are. In another one of Bobby's journal entries he says: "I want to be ordinary, not some freak." Many gays are made to believe that they are freaks and would give anything to be "normal". I know I still struggle with the thought that there is something wrong with me, that I must be messed up if I want to be with another man.
A key point that I wanted to bring up, again, is that the feeling of being accepted is so important. Feeling that you aren't a horrible sinner and to be told that you are perfectly fine just the way you are is all someone might need to hear to help them through their struggles. Bobby's mother realized after his death that all Bobby needed was to be told that he was perfect just the way he was. Showing someone they are loved AND accepted for who they are could save a life. A life of someone who is very dear to you...
This is one of the saddest books I have read and that may partly be due to the fact that I understood a lot of what he was going through. As I read the book I felt like I was reliving a lot of my own past experiences that I had gone through.
..."He longed to be liberated from the tyranny of external approval." When I read this line in the book it really struck a chord within me. I felt like I could completely relate to that, as I am sure many of you can for different reasons. Another line that really stuck with me was, "It's an awful feeling to believe that one is headed straight to the fires of hell." When I was finally coming to terms with my sexuality I really struggled a lot with this. I knew what I had been taught my whole life. I knew how religion and society viewed homosexuality. It is such an awful feeling to have to believe that you could be dammed for the feelings that you are having.
From this book I have realized that love really isn't enough. What I mean by that is when someone is struggling with their sexuality just the feeling of being loved is NOT the only thing that matters. It is definitely a major aspect, but there has also got to be that acceptance. The feeling of being accepted for who the person is no matter their sexuality and not feeling like you are still viewed as a sinner or a sexual deviant or someone with problems. I have never liked the phrase: "Love the sinner not the sin". Saying that someone is a sinner, but that you will love them and not the sin is very judgmental and unnecessary to bring up. I also don't like the phrase because it still makes people believe that there is something wrong with being gay. Being gay isn't an illness, it isn't something that can be cured, it isn't a choice, believe me if it were I would have chosen to be "normal" and live a heterosexual lifestyle.
As I read this book I wanted so badly to be able to go back in time and help this boy that was struggling so much with his sexuality. He struggled with it so much that he ended up taking his own life. He wrote in his journal once saying "I must deserve everything that happens to me. The funny thing is that I didn't realize until now how bad a person I must really be." Many gay and lesbian kids and adults have ended their life because they didn't know how to handle the struggles of being gay in a religion and society that doesn't accept who they are. In another one of Bobby's journal entries he says: "I want to be ordinary, not some freak." Many gays are made to believe that they are freaks and would give anything to be "normal". I know I still struggle with the thought that there is something wrong with me, that I must be messed up if I want to be with another man.
A key point that I wanted to bring up, again, is that the feeling of being accepted is so important. Feeling that you aren't a horrible sinner and to be told that you are perfectly fine just the way you are is all someone might need to hear to help them through their struggles. Bobby's mother realized after his death that all Bobby needed was to be told that he was perfect just the way he was. Showing someone they are loved AND accepted for who they are could save a life. A life of someone who is very dear to you...
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