I was recently talking with my brother-in-law, Rhett, and he asked me a question. I can't remember exactly how he worded it but it went something like this: "With so many homosexuals that really struggle and many that commit suicide how is it that you seem to handle it all so well?" To be completely honest, I don't think I completely remember how I answered his question. I do remember saying stuff like I have really struggled, but I have been doing better more recently. We then continued talking about lots of other topics as well.
After having a great discussion with Rhett I really started to contemplate his question. His question played over and over in my head. The more I thought about it I realized how much I hide this side of me. I have a hard time expressing or showing people when I am struggling.
About 9 to 10 months ago, during a time when I was going to school and working full time, I was feeling emotionally drained and really have a hard time. One night after feeling completely exhausted I wrote this:
"I'm tired...
I'm tired of all the sleepless nights.
Tired of all the endless crazy thoughts.
Tired of worrying and wondering why me.
Tired of worrying about what others may think of me.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to please everyone.
I'm tired of having feelings for other people that I know will never feel the same way.
I'm tired of waking up in a big bed with no one else in it.
Tired of thinking that I will never know how to make a relationship last.
I'm tired of feeling inadequate and that I will never measure up.
I'm tired..."
I have had my reservations about sharing this on my blog. Part of the struggle of sharing this part of me is I have a hard time feeling vulnerable. I would imagine it is hard for a lot of people to let others know when you are struggling or going through a hard time. I think that is why so many people do struggle. That is why so many have taken their own lives. They didn't know how to deal with the struggles that came their way and they didn't know how to get the help that they needed.
This isn't a cry for help. This is just another attempt to take off my mask and show people a different side of me. To show people that, although I am happy the majority of the time, that I do still struggle. That I do, like almost everyone, have my down days and days that I wonder what the purpose of life is. Through these hard times I am able to see the sunlight. Realizing life really is a gift and to enjoy what life has given me, even if it wasn't what I had always imagined it would be.
I have a great family and many great friends that are there for me when I need them and I am so incredibly grateful for that. In a previous post I mentioned that being loving and accepting of others really is what makes the difference.
Long talks with the family is one of my favorite things. We can get into deep conversations and talk all night long. I believe this last talk with Rhett has helped me to continue on my journey in taking off my mask and to be able to show others... ME!
