So I recently got back from Beijing, China. It was quite an amazing trip, and such an amazing country. I had such a great time there and I am so happy I went. I went on this trip with my family, one of which was an aunt, who recently found out about my sexuality. Now I’m not sure why I feel like this, but every time I saw her I just felt awkward. I just felt her disapproval of my lifestyle. I do realize that this is actually something that is my problem. Even if my aunt does have a problem with who I am that shouldn’t bother me. She also never actually said anything to me about her disapproving I just know she has a very harsh view on homosexuality.
This is just an obstacle that I am trying to overcome. My whole life I have worried about what others think of me. I have tried to conform to what I think others would want me to be. Back when I was still an active LDS member I would try to make sure that other members thought I was a good LDS member and when I was around non LDS people I would try to make them feel that I wasn't really a believer. How pathetic is that? I read a quote recently, “fitting in is highly overrated.” This is what I try to think of now when I find myself trying to conform to others. It is a work in progress, but I’ll get there.
For a long time I have felt like I am looking for a needle in a haystack. I am a gay male living in Utah, how am I supposed to ever find another man to be with? I then learned that Utah has one of the highest amounts of gay people per capita. I have mentioned how I fear that I will be alone my whole life, but since I have realized that finding someone is still a very real possibility. How can I expect to find anyone if I am not really putting myself out there to meet anyone? So I’m also trying to work on going out of my comfort zone more to meet more men. One of my really good friends, Kelsey, and I are planning on going to Gay Pride in a couple months. I am excited to go and get out of my shell a little bit.
