So I recently got back from Beijing, China. It was quite an amazing trip, and such an amazing country. I had such a great time there and I am so happy I went. I went on this trip with my family, one of which was an aunt, who recently found out about my sexuality. Now I’m not sure why I feel like this, but every time I saw her I just felt awkward. I just felt her disapproval of my lifestyle. I do realize that this is actually something that is my problem. Even if my aunt does have a problem with who I am that shouldn’t bother me. She also never actually said anything to me about her disapproving I just know she has a very harsh view on homosexuality.
This is just an obstacle that I am trying to overcome. My whole life I have worried about what others think of me. I have tried to conform to what I think others would want me to be. Back when I was still an active LDS member I would try to make sure that other members thought I was a good LDS member and when I was around non LDS people I would try to make them feel that I wasn't really a believer. How pathetic is that? I read a quote recently, “fitting in is highly overrated.” This is what I try to think of now when I find myself trying to conform to others. It is a work in progress, but I’ll get there.
For a long time I have felt like I am looking for a needle in a haystack. I am a gay male living in Utah, how am I supposed to ever find another man to be with? I then learned that Utah has one of the highest amounts of gay people per capita. I have mentioned how I fear that I will be alone my whole life, but since I have realized that finding someone is still a very real possibility. How can I expect to find anyone if I am not really putting myself out there to meet anyone? So I’m also trying to work on going out of my comfort zone more to meet more men. One of my really good friends, Kelsey, and I are planning on going to Gay Pride in a couple months. I am excited to go and get out of my shell a little bit.
I'm so jealous of your trip. That must have been some adventure.
ReplyDeleteWe are such curious social beings. While I believe that we need to be true to ourselves, the fact is that in order to live as a society, some conformity is required. Otherwise, how could we stand each other? Consider what life would be if we all were just "ourselves" all the time without regard to what that would mean to those around us. It's our willingness to struggle against the basic self-centered nature of ourselves that makes for a livable society. As with all things balance is the key. I encourage you to continue seeking it. You seem to be making fine progress.
As to being alone, I totally relate. I often feel sad that I am alone, yet am not willing to make any effort to do anything about it. And I feel that piece of my life is missing. There's only so many books one can read on a Friday night before noticing that some company might be nice. Luckily I have friends and family so I'm not really alone. But stil...
I put you in your late 20s. Plenty of time to find someone. But don't wait too long. I'm a bit past hope, not so much because of my age (mid 40s is hardly old!), but because I've lived long enough to have made some truly bad decisions in life with severly limiting results. In your 20s, it's unlikely that's happened yet. And maybe it never will. But just in case, I'd suggest getting on about this business of finding someone to share your life with.
Good luck my friend. I enjoy your posts.
I'm glad you had great time in your trip to Beijing Kevin.
ReplyDeleteI saw some of the photos, looks very cool. The funny thing is that I mention to Bryan that looks like you were not too happy. I guess makes sense now. I can understand awkward situation, when a family member find out about you been gay. Here is the thing; you can't live your life in fear. Fear what others think of you, if they going to accept you been gay. I can say that been married to your brother, we learned a lot things with each other. He never cares what other things of him, special after we get marry. People will judge you no matter what. Maybe because been gay, black, religion, or anything else. I'm proud to say that we could care less. When I was in Brazil a month ago, I went out with one of my best friend that is also gay, I meet his partner and we talk few times a week, and then my cousin told me that he is gay, I knew about it, but I could care less, did not change how I feel about him. Bryan met some of my gay friends when he was in Brazil last time. I have been telling him for years that being gay does not define who you are as a person, one because I knew you were gay. What you do and your action do. You see you guys grow up in a place that people have a very narrow mind. We had to fight with your family and others to stay together. Even if I'm LDS since teenager, I still did not grow up with all this discrimination towards others. A lot people here live their life like if they are perfect. And if you did not live here your whole life, do things like everyone else; believe on the same thing or act looks like everyone else, you are not a good person. This is the narrow mind standards, because of it you are not good, don't deserve to love or to be love, and don't belong there. So my advice to you is that life is too short, everyone deserves to have same one to share their life with, gay straight, by sexual, whatever. If Bryan and I was not strong enough, or love each other the way we do, we would not be together. You have to be happy in your own skin. I love myself, I never want to change where I come from, or be , maybe get it a big boobs or been short, but that is it. So you should not be someone else to make others happy, because I can tell you they will find something else that they will not like or want to change about you. I wish you meet my friends that have been gay sense I can remember. I always said that Bryan was born in a wrong place, because he is the most non- discriminate person I meet in Utah. He accepts people for who they are and also he would not like someone not for who they are or where they come from but for their action in life. No one is perfect, no matter how many people thing they are. No one is obligate to accept me, you and anybody else, but I feel that we are obligate to respect and love unconditionally. Thank you God I had my parents to teach me that. So be happy, honest, loving, and accept others opinion, because is only opinion no matter how much hurts. Don't try to change how a person sees you, only will make things worse, I know. The best way to show others who you are are by actions. I spend years trying to convince your parents that I'm honest, good person. Then I realized that I know who I am. Even if hurts sometimes, and make me really upset about comments, etc, I decide to learn to accept that is an opinion, and nothing I can do about it. Like your friend said , you are very young, you have time, but don't lose a happy live with someone you love because you are worry about what others thing. Life is beautiful. Love ya
Val and Bryan Broome.
Remember one thing - - whenever you have to 'divorce' any part of yourself to be accepted by someone else, you are living THEIR life, not your own. It really isn't that hard of a concept, once you understand that it matters tons more that YOU are happy instead of that 'fake' happiness that comes when you are not yourself and so you think the other person is happy. Because if other people's happiness is dependent on what you do - - they aren't really happy in the first place.
ReplyDeleteIf you have to 'do' something differently, 'be'someone you're not or even if you have to move 1 inch from where you are right this very moment, you are not happy, and you don't know what happiness is. (This also applies to those who 'disapprove' of you)
Keep going. You're doing great!