Recently I have been
struggling with my sexuality. I have been talking to my Aunt about it and
I told her that I feel like I wish I wasn't gay because life would be easier.
I also told her that I still have issues with my sexuality because I feel
like me being gay is maybe a result of me being "messed up".
She has been great about talking with me about it, but I was still
struggling with it.
I am finishing up my
degree at UVU and I am studying psychology. I have spent hours upon hours
researching homosexuality and the reasons why people are gay. After
countless hours of research the only conclusion that I have come up with is
that it is most likely a combination of genes and the environment that may lead
to homosexuality. So I was feeling like the reason why I was a homosexual
was partly due to my environment, which led me to think I was "messed
up". Don't get me wrong nothing super traumatic happened to me, I
was never abused or raped or anything of the sort, but I still pondered what
made me this way. I think I still carry the same beliefs about
homosexuality that I had back before I came to terms with my sexuality.
Today, in one of my
college classes we ended up watching the move Philadelphia. This movie
just really moved me. I am not sure who all has seen it, but it is a very
inspirational movie that I would recommend watching. It is about a
lawyer, the character is Andrew Beckett (Tom Hanks), who is employed at
one of top law firms in Philadelphia. He was made senior associate only
weeks before he was fired. Andrew brings a lawsuit for wrongful
termination for being fired because the law firm found out that he was gay and
had AIDS.
It is a very good movie
and it is very interesting to see how people thought about gays and AIDS.
At one point someone went to the doctor to make sure he didn't get AIDS
from shaking Andrew's hand. I was inspired as I watched how Andrew
reacted to the people around him. I think I felt goose bumps for the
majority of the movie. It made me realize that there really isn't
anything I have to be ashamed of in regards to me being gay. Regardless
of the reasons why I have these attractions to men there is nothing wrong with
me. And although I'm sure this movie wouldn't move the majority of you
like it did me it was something that I really needed to see. I do feel
very lucky because just as Andrew in the movie had such an unbelievable family
who supported him through everything I feel like I have been just as blessed.
I have such an amazing family and I couldn't be more grateful for them.
I watched a movie called
Brokeback Mountain back before I ever came out of the closet. It was a very
sad love story that takes places back in the 70's and 80's about two men that
were in love with each other, but weren't able to be together because of their
own fears and because of how they would be treated. So once a year they would both go camping so
that they could be with each other. It ends with one of the men being
killed for being gay. So although I thought it was a very good movie, it
kind of made me nervous to come out because of the result of it.
I do realize that of any
time in our history this is the best time to live in to be gay. There is
a lot more tolerance and understand for people that are gay. Countries
are starting to legalize gay marriage and things are really starting to come
around. I think the reason why I have struggled so much to come to terms
with my sexuality is because I spent the majority of my life trying to convince
myself that I wasn't gay. That being gay is wrong, that it is a
choice/temptation that you just have to get over. Well I'm sorry to say
that it’s just not true. There is nothing wrong with me or with my
sexuality. GAY PRIDE!!
