Gay Pride

Recently I have been struggling with my sexuality.  I have been talking to my Aunt about it and I told her that I feel like I wish I wasn't gay because life would be easier.  I also told her that I still have issues with my sexuality because I feel like me being gay is maybe a result of me being "messed up".  She has been great about talking with me about it, but I was still struggling with it.

I am finishing up my degree at UVU and I am studying psychology.  I have spent hours upon hours researching homosexuality and the reasons why people are gay.  After countless hours of research the only conclusion that I have come up with is that it is most likely a combination of genes and the environment that may lead to homosexuality.  So I was feeling like the reason why I was a homosexual was partly due to my environment, which led me to think I was "messed up".  Don't get me wrong nothing super traumatic happened to me, I was never abused or raped or anything of the sort, but I still pondered what made me this way.  I think I still carry the same beliefs about homosexuality that I had back before I came to terms with my sexuality.

Today, in one of my college classes we ended up watching the move Philadelphia.  This movie just really moved me.  I am not sure who all has seen it, but it is a very inspirational movie that I would recommend watching.  It is about a lawyer, the character is Andrew Beckett (Tom Hanks), who is employed at one of top law firms in Philadelphia.  He was made senior associate only weeks before he was fired.  Andrew brings a lawsuit for wrongful termination for being fired because the law firm found out that he was gay and had AIDS.  

It is a very good movie and it is very interesting to see how people thought about gays and AIDS.  At one point someone went to the doctor to make sure he didn't get AIDS from shaking Andrew's hand.  I was inspired as I watched how Andrew reacted to the people around him.  I think I felt goose bumps for the majority of the movie.  It made me realize that there really isn't anything I have to be ashamed of in regards to me being gay.  Regardless of the reasons why I have these attractions to men there is nothing wrong with me.  And although I'm sure this movie wouldn't move the majority of you like it did me it was something that I really needed to see.  I do feel very lucky because just as Andrew in the movie had such an unbelievable family who supported him through everything I feel like I have been just as blessed.  I have such an amazing family and I couldn't be more grateful for them.  

I watched a movie called Brokeback Mountain back before I ever came out of the closet.  It was a very sad love story that takes places back in the 70's and 80's about two men that were in love with each other, but weren't able to be together because of their own fears and because of how they would be treated.  So once a year they would both go camping so that they could be with each other.  It ends with one of the men being killed for being gay.  So although I thought it was a very good movie, it kind of made me nervous to come out because of the result of it.

I do realize that of any time in our history this is the best time to live in to be gay.  There is a lot more tolerance and understand for people that are gay.  Countries are starting to legalize gay marriage and things are really starting to come around.  I think the reason why I have struggled so much to come to terms with my sexuality is because I spent the majority of my life trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay.  That being gay is wrong, that it is a choice/temptation that you just have to get over.  Well I'm sorry to say that it’s just not true.  There is nothing wrong with me or with my sexuality. GAY PRIDE!!