May Love Rule

Back in 2011 I decided to go back to school to finish my bachelors degree. I also deleted my Facebook account. I told people I deleted my account because I was working full time and going to school full time and that I didn’t have time for Facebook as well. Now, that definitely was partly true, but it wasn’t the only reason. During that same time I was also trying to cross the treacherous rapids of coming out as gay. I didn’t know how to be myself on social media so I decided I wanted to distance myself from it. I worried that if I were to be myself I would be viewed as a deviant, someone who has last their way, so I just deleted my account.

During this time of struggling to know how to come out to family and friends I was watching one of my favorite movies, X-men: First Class. Erik (Magneto) talking to Raven (Mystique): "You want society to accept you, but you can't even accept yourself." This hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so focused on if everyone else would accept me and not focused on accepting myself.

To this day I find myself resorting back to how I handled situations in the past. I worry about what someone else may think of me and so I try and fit the mold of whatever I think they want me to be. And that is rather exhausting to say the least. As they say old habits die hard. For a large majority of my life I lost myself hiding beneath my mask and it is still an ongoing process to make sure I don't grab that mask and put it back on.

So why do I still worry so much about what others think of me? Why do I feel the need to resort back to my old habits of trying to please every one else around me instead of just being me? I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to hide. I hope people can see me for me and not for my sexuality. It is my goal to halt that behavior and to move forward without worrying about what others might think of me.

Shortly after distancing myself from Facebook I started this blog as a way to take off my mask and show people who I really am. It was also a way for me to tell my story and for me to try and be true to myself. For anyway who hasn't read my coming out post and is interested here it is:

http://takingoff-mymask.blogspot.com/2012/01/coming-out.html

I believe this blog really has helped me with removing my mask and it has been a road to self discovery. It has been a way for me to put down in words things I wouldn't know how to say any other way. I know I don't post frequently on my blog, but when I do I find it to be very beneficial to my progress of removing my mask and being me.

As I think back over the past 5-6 years and I am amazed at the amount of love and support I have been given from everyone that I know. From family to friends, from my coworkers to people that I haven't seen in ages. You all have no idea the kind impact that you have all made in my life. When I think about all the love and support I have received it is overwhelming. For that and for so many other things I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

May love rule!