I figured that the first blog about me taking off my mask would be about the long road I have been on to try to come to terms with my own sexuality; the fact that I am gay.
My hero growing up wasn’t my father; it wasn’t my two older brothers. My hero growing up was my oldest sister, Lisa. She is 9 years older than me and I wanted to be just like her. She is the one that taught me how to ride a bike. She is the one that would teach me to dance and to teach me the little gymnastics she knew herself. I loved my oldest sister and she was my idol.
When I was a young child I remember feeling like I was able to be myself, which was such an amazing feeling to have. As I started to get a little older I started to get made fun for the way that I acted, for the games that I played, and for the fact that I really liked fashion. I hid the fact that I would listen to the Backstreet Boys and Brittany Spears because that wasn’t “manly.” So in order to fit in with other boys my age I felt like I had to put on a mask. I tried my hardest to just fit in and that way no one would see who I really was. I soon realized that it was just easier to be around girls. I felt like I was able to be more of myself around girls.
At the age of about 15 or 16 I started having these feelings that I didn’t really understand. So I just ignored them. As I grew older I started to realize what I was feeling, but I had been taught my whole life the condemnation that comes with having same sex attraction. Not only was it against everything I was taught, but I knew how the society as a whole thought about it. So I would deny the feelings that I was having. I convinced myself that I was straight. That I liked girls and that was that.
After returning home from my mission I found out that my oldest sister, my hero growing up, had left the church. She read a book disclaiming the history of the church and her and her husband stopped believing in the church. I had a very hard time with this. I really struggled with the fact that my idol wasn’t in the church any longer. I remember hearing that my sister would not make it to heaven, because she went on a mission and was married in the temple and now she has left the church. I refused to believe this, because she is one of the most Christ-like people I know. So for over the course of a couple years I pondered what I really believed. This was something that took years of wondering and praying and crying to realize I didn’t believe everything the church taught.
At the age of about 24 I realized that I had to stop fighting the feelings that I was having. I was attracted to guys, but I still wasn’t able to admit it out loud or even to other people for the fear of what they might think of me. I was afraid that my family and friends wouldn't understand that they would stop loving me. One day in November I felt like I had to tell someone else about me. It was eating me up so much inside that I just felt like I needed to tell at least one person. I decided I would e-mail my Aunt Linda. I remember writing the e-mail with this panic that she would be horrified once she found out about me. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t stop myself from crying while I wrote her this e-mail about my same sex attraction. Her response was one of such love and acceptance that I was relieved, I finally had someone that knew and that still loved me anyway. It has taken me over the course of 3 years to come out slowly to my family and friends and it is still an ongoing process. I still fear the worst when I tell someone new about my sexual orientation.
When I started coming out I would mainly tell others that I was bisexual. I have tried to convince myself my whole life that I am still attracted to females. Even after I knew I liked men I CONVINCED myself that if I found a hot enough girl that I would still be sexually attracted to her and I honestly believed it too. I wanted to believe it so much because then I felt like I wouldn’t be so “messed up.” All I ever hear is that being gay isn’t natural, and maybe it isn’t natural, but that is why I tried to fight my urges so much.
This has been a long road and LOTS of tears have been shed over trying to come to terms with WHO I AM! People can say that being gay is a choice, but unless they have struggled with it for years and years I wouldn’t expect any of them to understand or really know the reasons behind why people are gay.
Bottom line is that my sexuality doesn’t define who I am. I am still the same Kevin I have always been, regardless of who I chose to be with. I am finally coming to grips with this fact…
